Bound By Fate
by confused-bliss
Summary: Three years have gone by since Brian's world was ripped apart by the tragedy of Justin's supposed death. Is Justin truly lost to him forever or will destiny intervene?
1. Gone Far From Forgotten

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own the characters of Queer as Folk. This is for entertainment only!**

**A/N**: **I caution everyone that this is a dark story. As I mentioned in an earlier post - this is possibly my last story. I will make that decision once my stories are complete. Feedback is always greatly appreciated, and the encouragement that does entice me to write more. Those that decide to follow this angst-filled story, I do hope you enjoy it. :)**

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><p><strong><span>Gone... Far From Forgotten<span>**

Brian looked down into his morning coffee, studiously ignoring the gang as they crowded in around him. Fuck! Why couldn't they leave him alone today? Upon waking up this morning, he had realized that Liberty Diner was the last place he should start his day; of course, he hadn't listened to his own advice to himself. He didn't have a doubt that each of them realized what day it was... and the special significance of all that it meant. He just wanted to get through the day; then, lose himself in drugs, alcohol, and nameless tricks that would gone from his life forever. Reliving what he had lost on this day three years ago was the last thing he either wanted or needed. It was time he fully moved on. He didn't have a doubt that Justin would have wanted that for him. The question that burned in him, though - could he ever totally close the door on that chapter in his life?

_Justin_. He had made it all morning without that name slipping into his conscious mind; although, he was quite certain Justin had been there all along. He was _always_ there. No matter how much time passed, those beautiful blue eyes that were so expressive - whether in anger, desire, love, understanding, or total trust, they forever haunted him. He had closed himself off from love for so many years; thinking back on his rules that he had always lived by, he decided life was much simpler then. However, he hadn't been complete... nor had he been happy. He fought back the tears that threatened the back of his eyelids as he remembered their wedding rehearsal dinner. Drugs hadn't been needed to fly high that night. Justin's smile had been enough for that. He doubted he would ever forget that night. For certain, the memories of fucking in front of the fire at Britin would always stay with him. In fact, so much so, he hadn't stepped inside of it in the past three years... nor had he sold it. It was a closed up shrine to the love he had briefly held tightly in his hands. A feeling he knew he would never know again.

"Hey, Brian. Busy day at Kinnetik today?" Michael asked, the first one to break the tense silence that had seemed almost suffocating.

Brian shrugged. "Same old shit... just a day like any other." He lifted his head from his newspaper, his eyes stabbing icily into Michael, Ben, Emmett, and Ted - silently willing them to contradict him.

Ted's eyes widened as he met Emmett's across the table. He wasn't about to say a word. After all, he had to deal with his clearly pissed off mood all day. In this instance, he could understand. Who couldn't that knew the circumstances? However, compassion was the last thing Brian wanted. It was more than apparent that Brian wanted to go through the motions like today was just any other day. It wasn't, though. They knew that... and he knew Brian did too.

Three years ago Justin had been presumed dead. His body was never recovered from the ocean. Justin had been spending his final day in New York; his gallery exhibit was due to open in three weeks. He had been coming home for their wedding, then, back to New York to finish preparations for his showing. Brian had worked his schedule to be joining him for the duration. It had all been planned. However, fate had decreed otherwise. Justin had gone sailing with the gallery owner. They should have never gone out as far as they had with a storm due to move in quickly. The boat had been smashed up against the rocks; Justin's clothing and identification had been found... but not his body. There was no way he could have survived.

Ted remembered it vividly as if it were only yesterday. In all actuality, it felt like that. Brian and Justin had found that perfect place together. Michael had even accepted Justin's place in Brian's life. He had never thought it possible for Brian to change so much. It had been a miracle. The name of the miracle had been Justin Taylor.

Emmett wasn't one to provoke these all too present memories, at least, not so early in the day. Perhaps later when they were chilling at Woody's... definitely after Brian had a few drinks in him; now wasn't the time to raise this red flag. "Well... I'm off, darlings. I have a catering event to plan." Looking at them all quizzically, he asked, "See you at Woody's tonight?"

Each man looked to Brian for confirmation, all of them hopeful he would join them. Today of all days they always came together to keep him busy. Hopefully, Kinnetik took care of the daytime hours... the night was when he seemed to hurt the most. Seeing firsthand for so long the passion Brian had shared with Justin - it was understandable. Brian Kinney might lust after many men, but, it didn't compare to the smoldering desire that had always been a constant with Justin. Whether Brian realized it or not, he had been fortunate to have known such a love. However, it was still tragic it had been lost.

Brian swore as each of them looked at him in response to Emmett's question, knowing he should have stuck with his initial instincts and stayed the fuck away from his friends today. It had been three fucking years. He wasn't about to collapse on the floor in front of them. If that was what they expected to see from him, they didn't know him at all. Any falling apart was always done in private; at least, when at all possible. He remembered back to the hospital corridor after Justin's bashing - he had cried in front of Michael. Ironically enough, it had been Michael and Ben that found him shortly after news of Justin's death reached him. Twice he had drastically fallen apart in front of Michael. He vowed there wouldn't be a third.

Standing to his feet, Brian gave them each of them a glance that said - thank you for worrying, but stay the fuck out of my head. "Later..." he clipped out, noncommittal in his answer, yet stating unequivocally this conversation was over. Moving to the counter, Brian slapped a bill down on the counter, smiling tightly at Debbie, instantly realizing he needed to get away from her as well. Her eyes had been puffy since he arrived. He didn't need to be told she'd been crying much of the morning. "Keep the change," Brian told her in a raw voice.

He walked out the door, so lost in his own private thoughts he didn't hear it opening just as quickly behind him. Moving in the direction of his 'vette, his back tensed when he felt a hand clasping around his upper arm. Turning to give the unwanted disturbance a scathing glance, Brian mentally groaned when he determined it was Debbie, with tears and pain in her eyes. "Debbie, don't... just f-fucking d-don't." Cursing aloud at the breakage in his voice, he glared at her, pissed beyond words that they wouldn't allow him to handle this day in his own way.

"Sweetheart, we all love you. Don't pretend this day doesn't rip your fucking heart out. We all know it does. Just let us get you through it - in any way that you need." Debbie had always had Brian's number from day one. She doubted anyone understood him as well as she did. Hell, she practically took him in to raise. She would never understand the cruelty of fate. Justin had changed Brian's life. Now, he had regressed back to that cold place that had been his former existence. Only this time, it was worse. Before, he hadn't experienced the miracle of love. Now that he had, Brian knew what he had briefly held and then lost.

Brian looked away, refusing to fall apart in front of her; in particular, not directly in front of Liberty Diner for all of gay Pittsburgh to see. Pinching the bridge of his nose in between his fingers, Brian took in a deep breath, reminding himself of all the reasons he needed to stay composed. Emotional breakdowns were not a characteristic of Brian Kinney - now or ever. He wasn't about to start now. "Listen, Debbie. I know you mean well. I have to do this in my own way... and right now, I need to get to work."

"Remember one thing, Brian. We all loved Sunshine. Losing him broke all of our hearts - not just yours. Sharing that loss is a way of keeping him alive in our hearts. It's our last chance of honoring him..."

"Yeah, there's a couple of problems with that. One, Justin is dead. He isn't ever coming back. There's nothing to keep alive now! And, secondly... I don't want to fucking remember. Now, I'm going to work and live my life. I'd advise you to do the same-"

Debbie pursed her lips, shaking her head as Brian slipped into his car and pulled out into traffic, the speed of his acceleration heard far down the street. She jumped when Michael came up behind her, censure in his eyes. "What?" she demanded, her irritation and concern for Brian only growing.

"You just can't leave it alone." Michael shook his head - back and forth. "Brian isn't like normal people; he never has been. You know that! He's handling it how he needs to handle it. Just let it be, Ma."

"That's the problem, Michael. He isn't handling it. He is in denial still... and I don't mean that he's denying Justin's death. This is far more serious. Brian is trying to pretend he doesn't care. If he doesn't start dealing with his pain, and the massive void Justin left in his life, he's on a path to self-destruction. If he does that, we might just lose him too."

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><p>Brian glared from across his desk at his art team, his patience and irritation growing by their continued silence. "Well? Have you nothing to say about these sub-standard boards? The client is going to have my ass tomorrow -"<p>

The two men looked at each other - neither of them knowing what to say. They had been clueless when summoned in here this morning. It was a good board - at least, they had thought so. It wasn't like Brian to rip their heads off without a good reason... however, that was exactly what was happening now. Looking in Cynthia's direction who was sitting in on the meeting, Steve was surprised when she didn't look at their boss in irritation - as she often did when he crossed the line - but, watched him cautiously, and with deep concern in her eyes.

"My assistant is _not _going to have the answers to my questions, Steve!" He looked toward the more experienced artist. Immediately, he amended that thought. Right now, he didn't find either of them worthy of being deemed an artist. "Never mind. Both of you get back to the art department, and assemble something that has some spark of life in it!"

Not saying another word, the two men stood to their feet, scrambling for the boards and the door as quickly as possible. Each of them looked apologetically at Cynthia, both of them knowing she would be facing the lion now. When the door closed behind them, Brian glared at it, then at his assistant with impatience. "Those two are not to go anywhere until they come up with something acceptable."

Nodding, Cynthia moved closer to the desk, for once feeling uncertain about crossing the line. Typically, she told Brian how it was, and made no apologies for doing so. Today, she wasn't so sure. The boards hadn't been up to par... but, they had been passable. It was ironic that Brian found the boards bland, and lacking life on today of all days. Perhaps that was how Brian would see everything today. Dead. "I think you were a bit hard on them. The boards really aren't that bad."

"Not that bad!?" he growled. "They hold the appeal of discount store wallpaper... not the representation for a new line of designer sportswear!"

"I'm sure they will make it more colorful... hopefully, that will be more pleasing for you." Cynthia wasn't sure how far to go with this. She just knew she needed to say something more. "Brian... I'm sure they won't look as bad tomorrow. How about I clear your afternoon? I'm sure there are other things you would prefer to be doing today."

Brian's back stiffened, his eyes stabbing coldly into ones that had known him for many years. In the office, she always knew what he would do next, how he would respond in any given situation. As an assistant, she complimented his office better than anyone else could. There wasn't a doubt that she knew what hounded him today. However, verbal admission of that would lead to her wanting to be a woman and talking to him about it. That was the last thing he wanted, or intended to do. "I won't be going anywhere until I see completed, acceptable boards - whether that is an hour from now, or another eight more."

Cynthia groaned. Eight hours? They would never survive it. How she hated this day... and for so many reasons. In her own way, she had loved Justin too. He was always filled with such a bright hope, and a smile that never failed to engage. When he left for New York, the office somehow felt empty. His exuberant presence just pulled everything together. She couldn't imagine the pain Brian felt, although, knowing him as she did, she realized he was still tormented. From what she could see, Brian still wasn't dealing with his incredible loss. Until he did, everyone would suffer for it; Brian the most of all. "Can I get you anything?" She bit her lip uncertainly. "Do anything?"

"All you can do is take your pity and your good intentions out of my office, and go do your fucking job!" Brian forced himself to look away when Cynthia flinched in response. He shouldn't have said that, but, he didn't do apologies... nor regrets. Well, he had always said that he didn't. There wasn't a doubt he had one regret, perhaps more than one. They all centered around Justin and choices that he wished he could have made to change the events of three years ago. His eyes clouded over as renewed pain hit him again. He wouldn't think about that now. There was no point... not now or ever.

Backing away, knowing nothing good would come of her attempts to reach out, Cynthia all but collided into the person on the other side of Brian's door. She gave Brian's visitor a look of warning, before she mumbled, "Now might not be the best of times, Jennifer."

An understanding look on her face, Jennifer grimly acknowledged, "I doubt there will be one today. But... I'd really like to talk to Brian - if he isn't too busy."

Brian rolled his eyes. He wanted this day to end. Each moment only got worse. Now, he had to deal with Justin's mother. He wasn't sure how to go about handling that. "Let her in," Brian grudgingly offered. In his mind - the sooner he got this over, the better he would feel.

"Good luck..." Cynthia whispered, before leaving Jennifer alone in the lion's den, hoping with very minimal hope that Jennifer would somehow get through to him. Right now, she found such a likelihood nonexistent.

Jennifer smiled reassuringly at Cynthia before she departed, her steps carrying her slowly over to Brian. When he motioned for her to have a seat, she sat down uneasily, the stiffness of her movements falling in line with her own profound anxiety. "How are you, Brian?"

"Didn't you get the memo? I'm fucking amazing..." Brian's tone was filled with sarcasm. Right now, he was doing all he could to maintain an even tone. A breakdown was inevitably coming... but, he vowed it would be done so on his own terms - and without a doubt, he would be alone.

"Brian, everyone is worried about you." Jennifer knew she had just admitted that she had been urged into this visit. Right now, though, that didn't matter. Results were all that really did. "It's time to let go."

His eyes flickered over her in disbelief. How could Justin's own mother say that? She should be every bit as devastated as him... perhaps even more so. He couldn't imagine how he would feel on such a day if it were Gus. Letting go would be the last outlet for him. Anger, bitterness, and the need to take it out on the world would be more prevalent. Much the same as he felt about Justin. "I am moving on with life." He waved his hand around his office. "As you can clearly see... "

"No. You are going through the motions. Neither moving on or letting go." Tears shimmered in Jennifer's eyes. "Justin wouldn't want this, Brian. Knowing that you loved him was all that he ever cared about. I never understood how he could handle the other men, but he had come to terms with that. He had your heart. That meant the world to him."

Brian had no response for that. Justin still had his heart. That would never change. A blank expression on his face, Brian stonily retorted, "Listen, you can go back and tell Debbie that you tried, but that I decided to remain an uncaring asshole."

Jennifer shrewdly eyed the man that should have been her son-in-law. She had told him that on more than one occasion. Despite how Brian's relationship had started with her son, she had ended up realizing that he would be the only man that could ever make Justin happy. Slight as it was, her only comfort was in knowing that Justin had been aware of Brian's love for him before he died. Now, all she could do was get through this tragedy that they each shared every day of their lives. "I'm not only here on Debbie's behalf. There was something I wanted to run by you; I think it's time."

"What is it?" Brian clipped out, hoping whatever it was would lead to the end of this visit.

"You've had your house closed up for years now." She leveled a hard look on the man that she knew would rebel against her suggestion... yet, thinking this would be the best thing for him now. "I think it's time to put it on the market. I'd be glad to assist you with that."

Sell Britin? The home he had bought for Justin? He could still see the brightness of Justin's smile when he'd first shown it to him... leading up to Justin accepting his proposal. That house was Justin's dream. How could he sell it? Brian's voice was raw when he spoke, "Jennifer, I know you mean well... but, I can't do that."

Jennifer blinked, unable to hold back the tears that had been threatening since she arrived. There had been something in Brian's voice that she couldn't quite define. Had it been desperation? Was he so lost that he felt the need to hold onto the house? She wasn't sure. All she knew was that Brian clearly wasn't ready. She began to wonder if he ever would be. Standing to her feet, she sighed deeply. She hadn't accomplished anything in this visit, and yet, she felt she discovered so much more about Brian. Perhaps more than Brian wanted her to see.

Brian was still holding onto everything he could grasp that tied him to Justin. He was still in love with her son, and his heart was undeniably broken. Everyone always said time healed all wounds. It hadn't healed her own shattered heart, although, time did ease some of the pain. Nothing had eased for Brian. Debbie had been right to be so concerned. Brian's denial, and his inability to let Justin go was pushing him into a dark, and cold place. Should he continue to follow that path, she wasn't sure the man Justin had so fiercely loved would ever find his way back.

TBC


	2. The Ultimate Sacrifice

**The Ultimate Sacrifice**

**Barbados**

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><p>He stood at the edge of his balcony, the blond looking forlornly out at the beauty of his tropical paradise; however, it wasn't such to him. It was a beautiful, yet menacing prison... the more he thought about it - that was exactly its clearest definition. He didn't want to be here; at least, he didn't want to be here with the man that professed ownership of him. The crazed criminal that would never let him go.<p>

_Gary Sapperstein._

He hated the man with every fiber of his being. His life had been destroyed because Gary had became obsessed with him. He could remember back to when he had been desperate to make his own way... too proud to accept the help Brian had wanted to give him. That had been his first mistake - just one of many. Taking that job, acquiring it in the way he had - that had been the beginning of the end for him. Looking back, he remembered the look in Brian's eyes when he realized what he was doing. The man that rarely lost his composure, had shown true signs of fear. It hadn't been fear for himself, or of even losing him to another man - but, more for what could befall him in the naivety of his youth and his new situation. Had Gary not drugged him at the night of his private party - he might have seen just how dangerous he could be... should he become empowered.

Powerful was exactly what Gary Sapperstein had become. Gary was now an international drug dealer. He could kill a man on a mere whim. It was his threats of killing one man in particular that kept him subservient. He was beyond the point of cringing whenever Gary came near him. Familiarity forced him to find another way to endure Gary's touch. Gary wasn't unskilled in bed, far from it really; although, he was a creature of extreme moods. At times, the roughness of his possession left marks for weeks. Not that it really mattered. There was no one to care if he lived or died. Sometimes he wished for such a death. Realistically, he knew it was his only chance of escape.

No. He wasn't suicidal. Often, he wished it were a part of his nature. That end would solve his problem. But... he had found a way to endure the mauling that Gary professed to be an extension of his love and admiration. Closing his eyes and seeing Brian's smile, and every moment they had ever shared was what got him through his nightmare. Sometimes he wondered if Gary suspected, he rather thought he didn't. Gary would take that as a form of betrayal... and he would be severely punished.

"Here you are..." Gary's voice rasped close to his ear. "I've been looking for you." He moved directly behind his perfect blond, his arms encircling his waist. "You wouldn't be hiding from me... would you?" Gary began kissing the side of Justin's neck, his hands moving in circles on his mid-section.

"Of course not," Justin dutifully responded. "Where would I possibly go that you wouldn't find me?"

Gary spun Justin around to meet the fierceness in his eyes. "Nowhere! You are mine. I made sure of that." He frowned slightly, before an understanding smile curved his lips, the smile far from reaching his dead eyes. "I expected you to be a bit melancholy today. After all, it is the third anniversary of your death."

"My death. And yet... here I am, very much alive." Justin's tone was bland, doing very little to disguise how uncaring he was about that fact.

Gary's eyes heated, and his hands clenched at his sides. He hated everyone that Justin loved. If he didn't need them alive to keep Justin compliant - each one of them would already be dead. Removing his cell phone from his pocket, Gary opened a video that had recently been sent to him. "I have a gift for you on your special day. Go ahead - watch it."

Swallowing in the deepest of dread, Justin took the offering, his finger trembling on the play button, somehow knowing he was about to see something that would be of further devastation to him. Barely managing to keep his face impassive, he watched as Brian entered Liberty Diner, quickly snapping out an order for what he assumed to be his standard cup of coffee before taking his seat with the rest of the gang. His heart ached as he watched his movements. He was so hauntingly beautiful... and yet, he looked so sad... almost broken. Flinching when Gary snatched the phone from his grasp, Justin tremulously asked, "W-when was this taken?"

"Only an hour ago." Gary's nostrils flared in his jealous rage. "Your eyes give so much away. You still love him! All you can think about is your precious hero finding a way to save you. Face the facts, Justin - Rage doesn't exist. He isn't going to come to your rescue. I will kill anyone who tries to take you away from me!"

"I realize that, Gary." Justin knew he needed to make amends... and do so quickly. A jealous Gary was at his most dangerous. Over the past three years, he had witnessed that repeatedly. He couldn't risk that anger being taken out on Brian as it had on several of their male servants. Not a day passed where he didn't feel the guilt of those deaths. There was no guarantee that more wouldn't follow. Repelled by his actions, yet knowing he had to do something, Justin placed the palms of his hands on Gary's chest, slowly smoothing them up and down. "I'm not trying to leave. I accept this as my life now."

Eyeing him in suspicion, Gary smashed his lips against Justin's, his tongue forcing his way inside... his breathing becoming ragged as his mouth devoured the one that was his sole obsession. He slid his hands down to Justin's ass, his lust rising suddenly - as it always did when he touched him. Pulling free, Gary's eyes moved over the beautiful blond, distrust and desire clearly visible within them. "That's good. Remember the image I gifted you with today. I didn't come across it by chance. I have him being watched - day and night. A phone call is all it would take to erase him from existence!"

Justin swallowed, unable to still the shudder that overcame him at such a reality. "I am doing everything you want to prevent that. I'm here to stay."

"Yes, you are... I won't be joining you for dinner tonight; I have business around the island. I will call you later." A look of warning passed between them. "I expect you to be here."

Nodding, Justin watched as Gary moved away, the tears now safely falling. Brian. He had seen him briefly, even if only on a video capture. At least he knew he was still alive. No matter how torturous his days... and most especially his nights continued to be, it was all worth it. Brian was alive. He would do anything to make sure that didn't change.

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><p>Brian propped his legs up on his coffee table, his arm robotically tipping the bottle of beer into his mouth. He didn't taste the beer that he typically enjoyed, nor did he absorb anything in the loft around him. All he could do was think about what fucking fate had took from him, and how he wished he could give destiny a swift kick in the ass. Of course, he couldn't... but how he wished he could just once. So many wrongs fate had committed against him... however, the tragedy of Justin's death surpassed all. Even Saint Joan couldn't touch this.<p>

His lip curled in disgust as he thought of his dear mother. She had always told him he would rot in hell. Perhaps she had went to her higher power and cursed his life. He wouldn't be the least bit surprised. Wasn't that how curses worked? If... such existed. Life had been perfect - a short three years ago; although, that time seemed like another lifetime. Justin had been due to come home, and then, the hand of mother fucking nature intervened. His beautiful Sunshine... the one person that could always find the bright lining in the most dire of circumstances, had been taken from him forever.

Yeah, life was unfair. He had always known it to be true; however, his life was the walking definition. There was no way he would ever place himself in such a vulnerable position again. The Brian Kinney of old had returned. Tonight he would fuck every hot guy in sight. He might even bring a group of them home. He needed to lose himself - body, mind and soul. Perhaps that would take him back to the mentality of being Brian before Justin. After all he'd shared with the special blond, he wasn't sure that was possible. He had to find that mindless oblivion. If he didn't, he thought he might lose his mind.

He reached for another bottle of beer, his mind fully processing the time. It was time for Woody's; he had no intention of going there tonight. His friends would be awaiting him like watchful mother hens. He wanted no part of it. His method of handling pain was the only way that worked for him. It was what he knew. Justin had changed him for awhile... but, he was gone now. He would revert back to being the asshole everyone thought him to be. In his private moments when thoughts of Justin overwhelmed him, Brian realized it was impossible to return to that uncaring time. Justin had changed something in his heart. He wasn't sure he could ever go back completely. He had to try, though. The void that Justin left in his life was an actual physical pain at times. He needed it to stop.

Brian glared when he heard the incessant tapping on his door, his eyes narrowing when he heard a key being slipped into the lock. Persistent, meddling SOB! Only one person had a key to the loft, at least, only one other living man. Michael. Before the door could open, Brian shouted out, "Go the fuck away, Michael!"

Sliding the loft door open, Michael's eyes were tormented when they settled on Brian sitting on the sofa - an endless array of empty beer bottles sitting on the table. Making his approach with uncertainty, Michael whispered, "I can't do that, Brian." He took in a deep breath, before admitting, "I scolded Ma earlier for pushing you... but, here I am doing the same. I - I just can't let you do this alone."

"You worry too much." Brian tipped the beer into his mouth, his eyes staring balefully ahead. "I'm fine."

Michael sat next to Brian on the sofa, his eyes touching on each empty bottle discarded on the table. "No... you're far from fine. Maybe Ma is right and you need an intervention." Waving his hands toward the mess on the table, Michael assertively decided, "This isn't getting you anywhere. I'll just make you some coffee... then, we can talk."

Brian slammed the bottle of beer down, standing to his feet quickly after. "Fuck coffee... and fuck talk. I'm getting ready for Babylon." He looked over his shoulder, his eyes disinterested when he asked, "Are you coming along?"

"Wherever you go... I'm going." Michael didn't intend leaving Brian's side tonight; at least, not until Brian tossed him to the curb. Knowing Brian as he did, he realized Brian's temper was short. He could toss him out now. That wouldn't matter, though. He would shadow him all night if necessary. He'd already discussed it with Ben, and they were in full agreement. Brian needed to be watched tonight. The loss of Justin three years ago had been devastating - they wouldn't be losing Brian too.

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><p>Justin tensed as he felt a presence moving into the bed behind him. He didn't have to look to know it was Gary, and he was fully disrobed. Forcing himself not to shudder each time he came to him took all of his control. Seeing Brian on the short video today certainly didn't help. All he could think of now was that look of anguish on Brian's face. It was remarkable to him really. Brian didn't appear to have moved on; at least, he hadn't forgotten him or what this day signified. More than anything, he wanted to reach out to the man that should have been his husband and tell him not only that he was fine, but that he loved him more than ever. That was the last thing he could do, though. Brian's life hung in the balance. He could suffer any degradation to protect him.<p>

Gary's breath hotly hit at the back of Justin's neck, his hands sliding beneath the sheets, clenching when he felt Justin's boxers in place. He slipped a finger into the waistband, pulling it back and snapping it... uncaring of how startling his action might be. "You know I hate you wearing these to bed. I always want you ready to receive my attentions." His nostrils flared as his hands tightened on Justin's hips. "Sometimes I think you enjoy pissing me off!"

Trembling under the restraining and menacing grasp, Justin shakily answered, "N-no, of course not, Gary. I would be a fool to do that..."

Turning his captive blond in the bed, his eyes savaged the face of the beautiful blond that had been his every waking thought from the moment he'd walked into his club long ago back in Pittsburgh. It had been all about Kinney even then. As he clearly deciphered the fear on Justin's face, he recognized it wasn't fear for himself... as always the boy's actions reflected his desire to protect his former lover. How he hated that man. Sometimes he just wanted to kill the man that would forever be a thorn in his side; while Kinney lived, he would never have all of Justin. Although, he'd told Justin he only wanted his body... he found he wanted it all. Justin obsessed him. Nothing but everything would ever satisfy him. "Suck me," Gary commanded, knowing nothing would satisfy him more right now. The boy's mouth was made of pure sin. He could easily see how a man like Brian Kinney could change his long running rules for this blond-headed piece of ass. "Make it good..." he warned. "You have much to make up to me today."

Justin pushed the silk sheets away, his body compliantly moving into position. He could handle this in the stillness of the night. The semi-darkened bedroom helped even more. It was Gary's advances in the daytime hours that were most difficult to handle. Now, with the room nearly shrouded in darkness, he could perform this repellent task - imagining Brian being on the receiving end. Thankfully, he had never called out Brian's name in bed. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that if he did - that would have haunting consequences.

As his mouth skillfully worked over Gary's cock, Justin's mind reflected back to all the times he'd sucked Brian. Undoubtedly, there were many. In his more hopeful moments he liked to think he would get the chance to do so again; however, he knew that couldn't happen... at least, not as long as Gary remained alive. As much as he wanted Gary dead, he didn't have it in him to coldly murder a man. Or did he? Gary was a monster, and the one that kept him from all the people he loved. Brian in particular.

Inwardly, Justin breathed a sigh of relief when Gary rolled to his side, signaling he was done with him for the night. Laying back down on his side, turned away from the evil that enforced his captivity, Justin felt silent tears sliding down his face. Day after day, and particularly the nights, he endured the ultimate sacrifice. The time that continued to pass and number of occurrences didn't really matter. All that mattered was keeping Brian alive and well. He would keep suffering the possession of the man he hated unlike any other to achieve that goal.

His love for Brian was everything. It was the only thing he had left now. The injustices that Gary inflicted on him couldn't take that away from him - now or ever.

TBC

_**A/N: So, there we have it. The grim truth. I am intending on keeping the more intimate Gary/Justin moments to a minimum. However, some will be necessary to advance the story, and explain what Justin has been enduring. Thank you all for reading, and the incredible response to this first chapter. Your support is much appreciated, and what truly motivates me. *Hugss***_


	3. Pain Management or Total Denial?

**A/N**: There is no Justin, and/or the Sap in this chapter. Here we progress with Brian's evening, and his attempts to convince himself and his friends that he is doing fine. Thank you for reading. Comments are greatly appreciated! :)

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><p><strong><span>Pain Management or Total Denial?<span>**

Brian lifted the bottle of beer to his lips, his back leaning against the bar as his eyes took in all the hot bodies that were already assembling tonight. It was his intention to spend a great deal of time in the backroom tonight... that decision served two purposes. One... it was the only way he knew of relieving his frustration and torment that this day evoked in him, and, it would distance himself from his well intentioned friends. Both, were what he most needed.

A scowl twisted Brian's lips when he heard Emmett nearly cooing in his ear. Fuck. The rest would descend on him soon. He could see Michael weeding through the crowd now. Mikey had never been able to keep up with him - in more ways than one. Turning his head, Brian took in Emmett's entirely too queened-out ensemble. Again, he was reminded how little things ever changed. Squinting at the display he made, he cuttingly asked, "What the fuck color are you even wearing?"

"Well, Darling... that is a story all in itself." Emmett turned to face the nearby bartender, his eyes sweeping over him in interest, before he breezily called out, "Can I get a Cosmo, Sweetie? And... keep them coming."

_Great_, Brian thought to himself. Tonight he was all about tricking, and falling into a alcohol/drug-induced stupor... and he was going to get meaningless stories - not to mention a drunken fuchsia-clad nightmare. At least, he thought that was the closest identifiable color to the ridiculous clothing Emmett currently sported. As the day progressed, he knew his life was undeniably fucked - in all aspects! Drolly, Brian retorted, "No time for bedtime stories tonight." His eyes honed in on a brunet dancing with a trio of men in the distance. That was more of what he had in mind. Downing the rest of his beer in one thirsty gulp, Brian slammed the bottle onto the bar, his glance dismissive when he spoke, "Later..."

Brian grimaced when he felt Michael's hand reaching out to restrain him. "Fuck off, Michael. Go find yourself a hot little trick."

Michael sputtered in outrage, "A trick!? What the fuck, Brian? I'm very happily married - as you well know. You were there... remember?"

His face instantly drained of all color. Yeah, he remembered it well. Another memory that featured Justin. Almost instantaneously, he recalled the workout bike in the gym. It had been late; yet, Justin had missed him in their bed. He closed his eyes as he remembered how great it had felt to endure the strenuous exercise, but that had been nothing compared to Justin straddling him on the bike, before he fucked his young lover senseless on it... never missing a beat. Fuck. How he missed that... and so much more. Justin. Always Justin...

He hated how these memories appeared without any warning; even more than that, he hated that empty feeling in his gut. A nagging feeling always persisted long afterward that something was missing. He always told himself that it was just him missing that persistent little ray of sunshine that had forever changed his life... but sometimes, he felt it was more. Returning his eyes to the prey that he vowed wouldn't slip away, Brian forced himself to stay on track. "Thanks for the return trip down memory lane. Tonight, though, I intend to make new ones."

"Brian, I'm sorry..." Michael called out, regret instantly making his heart ache. "I didn't think."

A slow shrug answered. "No worries, Michael. It's all in the past. I'm looking toward the future now."

Emmett took a slow sip of his drink, his eyes following Brian over the rim. "Let him handle it his way, Michael. That's all we can do."

"But, he's not handling it, Em. Anything but! He needs to find a way to say goodbye to Justin... and move on with his damned life!"

"It's not for us to decide, Sweetie. Brian isn't like the rest of us - he never has been." Emmett's expression was almost wistful as he spoke the words, both of them knowing that he was just as concerned... although more accepting of his inability to bring about a change. "It's so hard to believe... even now."

Michael turned to look at Emmett, understanding immediately passing between them. "You mean about Justin." At Emmett's affirmative nod, Michael continued, "Yeah, I can't believe it's been three years now. It seems just yesterday they were planning their wedding. I'd never seen Brian so happy. It was a miracle... only to be totally destroyed."

"Yeah. Justin was the miracle." A tear slid down Emmett's cheek. "It's so damned unfair. Justin should have outlived all of us. I just don't get how fate could be so cruel!"

"It's all part of life." Michael's eyes watched Brian with concern, his own remorse plaguing him as well. "We never know what will happen. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to grow up, and to see how good Justin was for Brian. I fucked up a lot, and Justin suffered because of it. Now it's too late to make things right."

Emmett sighed, before pulling Michael closer for a tight hug. "Awww, baby. It's all in the past now. And, I think Justin considered you his friend before everything went to hell. I guess we all miss him in different ways." Emmett cautiously eyed Brian, unable to miss how Brian's marks ran their hands over him... yet with Brian exhibiting a tight-lipped expression. He was going through the motions - barely. Brian needed closure, and he wasn't going to find it like this. Placing soothing strokes along Michael's back, Emmett whispered, "I guess I didn't see it before now... but, Brian does need help. He can't go on like this."

Pulling out of Emmett's comforting embrace, Michael looked in Brian's direction... instantly seeing what Emmett himself now could see. Brian was broken. He hadn't returned to his former self really... although, that was what he wanted everyone to think. He was barely surviving. It wouldn't surprise him to know that Brian was living through his memories, even if only subconsciously. It was his belief that only letting go of his past with Justin would allow him to move on. In time, Brian might be able to look back on his memories and see them as blessed time with someone he had loved so much. As of now, there was no doubt, Brian viewed those reflections as weakness. In his opinion... that was completely untrue.

"Yeah." Michael agreed with Emmett's assessment completely. His eyes narrowed as Brian walked away from his tricks, uncertain about what he was doing next. Once he realized he was coming toward the bar again, he decided this could be his last chance at intervention tonight. Silent as Brian ordered a double shot of whiskey, he found himself placing an offer that he knew would be the only solution that would bring peace to his own state of mind tonight. "Brian, why don't you come home with me? We can hang out... just the three of us."

Brian snorted derisively, virtually inhaling the whiskey in front of him. "I _am_ leaving... but, it won't be to join you in Stepfordville." His eyes moved to his tricks that were slipping into their coats, watchful as they waited for him by the door. "I have other plans tonight... "

Seeing his opportunity quickly vanishing, Michael grasped Brian's arm, uncaring of the anger in his best friend's eyes. Brian was attempting to appear irritated and cold to everyone around him... but, the pain was there for all to see. "Don't do this, Brian. It won't help."

"Right... I suppose you know what would-" Brian snapped, more than finished with this day, and the good intentions of his friends. "How about I tell you." His eyes slithered over a silent, yet wide-eyed Emmett, then his determined best friend. "I am going to take my tricks home and fuck the living hell out of them. Then, tomorrow, I will go back to work as usual. After that, I will go on fucking whoever I want - whenever I want. End of story..."

"You are living in denial... and we both know it! Snap out of it, Brian. You need to quit trying to forget Justin. Obviously, you can't do that! Let him go so you can live a proper life!" Michael didn't miss the flicker of pain in Brian's eyes as Justin's name and memory fully penetrated the wall Brian had surrounding him. "As of now, you might be walking and breathing... but, you are buried right alongside him. Justin wouldn't have wanted that for you... and I think you know that too."

Brian's glance was scathing as it slid over Michael. What angered him the most was in knowing his words to be true. However, he wasn't prepared to acknowledge that now. Perhaps not ever... "What I know is this - I am leaving... and I am bored with this entire discussion. Goodnight boys."

Emmett's heart pounded in his chest as he watched Brian striding to the door as if he were fleeing the most hounding of demons. "Well... that was brutal. I hope you know what you're doing, Mikey."

"I hope so too, Em... and that I haven't pushed him even further away." Michael's eyes were thoughtful on the uncharacteristic hunched shoulders of Brian as he virtually fled from the bar. Although, Brian's words hadn't said as much, he now moved as a man defeated. Perhaps that was a sign that he was beginning to hear the words he had been speaking to him for three long years. It was his hope that in the cold light of day, Brian would realize what his life had become, and begin dealing with his pain. Only then could he live again.

TBC

**_A/N: Much shorter than usual, but I wanted to get this posted before the busy holiday weekend. I hope those that celebrate Thanksgiving have a wonderful holiday with family, and/or friends. *Hugss*_**


	4. Closing A Door?

**Closing A Door?**

Gary didn't look up from his coffee when Justin joined him on the terrace, his silence all the more menacing for his weak-minded obsession. Showing him the video of his precious Brian had been a mistake; he could see that now. They had regressed again. Now, he had to bring him fully back under his control, and reinforce the fear that had always been a constant in their relationship. If necessary - he would break the boy. Bending him to his will was more to his liking... but, more important than that was keeping him from his ex-lover. He had scored a major victory over Kinney, one that had been sustained for years now. Brian Kinney would never get Justin back. As much as he would hate destroying something so beautiful, he would do so in an instant to keep them apart. Justin needed a reminder of just how far he was willing to go to keep his property intact.

"Sorry I'm late, Gary. I guess I overslept..." Justin told his captor, extremely wary of Gary's silence, as well as the ice that twisted the much older man's face into a more sinister, and cruel expression. By now, he should be accustomed to Gary's ways; however, even after three long years, he never knew how much savagery to expect.

Laying his cup down with more force than necessary, Gary's menacing gaze rested on the anxious look marring the beauty of his most beautiful possession. Yesterday had been a mistake; today he would resolve that. "I find myself growing concerned by your lack of attention to me. I had thought we had moved past such times. It would be such a shame if I were forced to provide one of my special demonstrations."

"No!" Justin protested adamantly, his eyes widening in fear. He barely held back the flinch that resulted at the smile that twisted Gary's evil lips. It wasn't a welcoming smile... nor was it encouraging. It was more of the shark that now sized up his next meal. He had already been forced to watch men die because of him... he would do all that was in his power not to allow another such tragedy. "I - I mean, that's not necessary, Gary. Think about it from my point of view for a minute... p-please. It was a shock seeing that video of Brian. I haven't seen anything of him in years; in fact, not of anyone from my life in Pittsburgh. It was a lot to take in-"

Gary's eyes narrowed at Justin's rambling attempt. What did it mean? Was he worried about himself, or the person he could wreak his revenge on - in his behalf... or was it once again about his precious love - Brian Fucking Kinney? He had no real way of knowing. All he knew was he remained determined to keep the status quo intact. Even if he tired of Justin in the future - something he doubted to be likely; Kinney would never reclaim him. He hadn't forgotten how Brian Kinney had embarrassed and thwarted him in the past. Withholding from him what he had valued the most was a most fitting retribution. "You don't have to worry about me repeating that mistake. Ever!" he hissed, jealousy curling in his stomach until he wanted to commit murderous acts against all that offended him - beginning with the man himself... Brian Kinney.

Justin nodded, proceeding to swallow with difficulty. He had expected no less. In fact, he decided it might be best if that was his only glimpse of Brian. As much as it was a sweet relief to see Brian's image, it was a torment as well. He wasn't sure he could endure repeat occurrences. "I never expected to see Brian again... whether in person or in a photo. I - I just need some time to process it, and get over the shock."

Gritting his teeth as fury overwhelmed him, he slammed his hand on the table, the delicate china rattling precariously as the force of his abrupt action caused Justin to jump in his seat, his own eyes biting mercilessly into the ones shadowed with fear. "I don 't _ever_ want to hear that name again! If I do - I swear I will wipe him from existence!" Smiling savagely as tears formed in Justin's eyes, Gary twisted the knife even deeper. "I think you remember just how far I will go when a man looks at my possessions too intently. Anything I have done to those men will pale in comparison to what I do to your precious hero..."

Despite the fear that filled him now, Justin felt his back beginning to stiffen as outrage consumed him. Had he wasted the last three years of his life protecting Brian all for nothing? Gary could still have him killed on a whim - regardless of the fact he had promised he wouldn't... if he stayed obedient to him. Once again, Gary was playing his sick mind games with him. He knew how the deaths of those innocent men filled him with guilt. The first one had been partly his fault. He should have known better than to flirt with the hired help - just to annoy his jealous captor. The man had died brutally. It had been at that moment he had realized submission would be his only choice. That night, he had given up on all hope of a future and surrendered to a monster.

His eyes glittering in a mixture of anger, and unshed tears, Justin spat out, "That's not fair, Gary. You promised his safety - if I became compliant to you. I've done that. You can't go back on your word now!"

Gary stood to his feet, with a nod he motioned his guards forward. Stepping up behind his chair, he leaned down to hiss in his ear, "You dare to tell me what I can do! I own everything and everyone on this island - including you!" He closed his fist, shaking it sharply in the air. "I can kill you, as well as anyone you care about in an instant. You'd do well to remember that!"

"How can I forget? You remind me of that every single day..." Justin muttered morosely. Suddenly, filled with more bravery than he'd felt in years, Justin turned to look into Gary's evil eyes, barely managing not to flinch in response. "If it makes you feel any better, do your worst. Because we both know one thing - if Brian dies, my submission dies alongside him. I will _never_ let you touch me again."

His body trembling in rage, Gary reached out and backhanded Justin forcefully across the face, his own hand stinging at the savagery of his actions. "Little fool!" he snarled. "I don't require your permission." Laughing coldly, he maliciously reminded, "I have drugs that will ensure your capitulation - should it become necessary."

Justin continued to hold his head high, despite the sting that he knew would most likely bruise by tomorrow. "I know that, Gary. However, I also know that you hunger for my desire to match your own. Drugs will never give you that."

His body shaking as fury completely overtook him, Gary looked at his guards, spitting out venomously, "Lock him in his rooms. He isn't allowed access to the grounds until I return later." His eyes slid over Justin contemptuously. "I'd use the time wisely. If you ever want to leave your rooms again, you will devise a way to make me feel more amenable."

Silent as the guards pulled him from the terrace, Justin realized he may have pushed Gary too far... and yet, he didn't feel he had a real choice. If he completely cowered, Gary might feel he had no real need to keep Brian alive. That was the last thing he wanted Gary Sapperstein to think. He had only endured this nightmare in order to save Brian's life. Should that have all been for nothing... then, his life no longer held any meaning.

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><p>Brian climbed the stairs of the home that he hadn't stepped into for years. He wasn't even sure why he was here now. While trying to enjoy his morning latte, he had found himself reflecting on all the events of the previous day. Strangely enough, his visit from Jennifer had weighed heavily on his mind. He remembered her telling him it was time to let this house go. As he looked around, he was still convinced he didn't want to do that. This was Justin's home. The fact that Justin was gone didn't factor into that reality.<p>

Gone. That wasn't a thought he often allowed himself to think about. He blinked as he proceeded up the stairs, for some reason, Justin's studio his destination. He wasn't sure why he wanted to go there. It was simply something he needed to do. He knew what he would find upon entering the room. When he had the house closed up, everything had been done to preserve things for as long as possible. The brightness was the first thing that greeted him as he stepped inside. The morning sun was just slipping through the windows. Justin's studio was truly an artist's dream.

Everything was still intact - amazingly so. Despite the exorbitant amount of money he had paid to have the house closed, and maintained, he was still surprised his instructions had been followed so implicitly. He moved around the room, his hands not touching a thing; yet, his eyes absorbing everything. It was empty. Not only of Justin; although, that was clearly the most significant lacking... but, everything he had been working on for his showing were absent too. Why hadn't that ever occurred to him?

Slowly, he stepped to the window; he looked down below, wondering how often Justin had done the same as he took a break to recapture his focus... or even worse, rest the cramping in his hand. Fuck, how he missed his beautiful and utterly tenacious boy. His once stalker that had ended up being his everything. Rare tears misted his eyes as he turned to once again look around the room. This emptiness was wrong. It should be filled with the life that Justin projected through his gift. If he couldn't have Justin, he would have that.

Removing his phone from his pocket, Brian tapped in the number of the one person that would know where Justin's work had ended up... knowing it wouldn't give him a sense of peace, but, more of a feeling of rightness. "Jennifer, I was just wondering about Justin's paintings." When she paused in surprise, he clarified, "The ones he had compiled before his trip to New York... I figured they must have been sent to you - after what happened."

A sad smile touched her lips. Brian still couldn't put Justin's death into words. It had taken her some time to do the same. Brian wasn't there yet. It was simply amazing with how their relationship had started, how much love had grown between them. There wasn't a doubt it had changed Justin; however, she thought it had changed Brian even more so. Each day she realized that fate was the most cruel bitch of all. "I didn't want them. I couldn't bear to look at any of them. I - I guess I should have checked with you at the time. We were both so distraught; I just wasn't thinking clearly."

"No, it's fine. I doubt I would have wanted them at the time, either." Brian thought about his next step for a minute, only one conclusion coming to mind. "Thank you, Jennifer. I'll be in touch when I acquire them. I'm sure the time will come when you might want one."

"Brian?" Jennifer asked in concern. "What are you planning?"

Rolling his lips under, Brian's eyes looked around the far too empty art studio. "I'm going to bring Justin's work home."

"Uhhhm, Brian - about your home..." Jennifer began, hoping Brian would listen to reason better than he had yesterday. "I've had some offers on your house. Some very good ones. I really think you should consider them."

"Offers?" Brian asked in a hollow tone. "My home is _not_ on the real estate market. I thought I made that clear!"

"You did... and it's not. I've just had some interested buyers approach me - ones that know of my association with you. Promise me that you'll think about it."

Brian rolled his eyes. In his mind, there was nothing to think about. At least, not right now. "Of course, Mother Taylor; I'll think about it. Later..." he mumbled before ending the call, all about moving onto the next one.

Selecting the number on speed dial that would connect him to Kinnetik, he waited for Cynthia to answer before rushing on, "I need you to clear my schedule for the next few days. Have Ted handle anything urgent that comes up."

Remembering only too well what yesterday had been, and the irrational state Brian had been in, Cynthia worriedly asked, "Brian? Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine, Cynthia. Just rearrange my appointments as needed. I'll be back as soon as I can." Brian hoped his trip was productive. He knew that entering that particular gallery would be a form of therapy. Not to mention, being face-to-face with the man that had accompanied Justin on his fatal boating accident was a meeting that was long overdue. He only hoped he could be civil long enough to get information on the whereabouts of Justin's paintings.

"Whatever you say, Boss. Getting away is probably the best thing for you. Can I make any travel plans for you?"

"No, I'll take care of it." Brian ended the call before she asked any more questions, his heart quickening as he looked around the room. He frowned as he moved back down the stairs, and out of the house, his eyes staring straight ahead and not in the direction of specific places so many memories would rush at him in tidal waves. He felt anxious... but, why? It was almost as if he were rushing toward something, although, that didn't make any sense.

For some unknown reason, he felt this particular trip to New York could be his most significant yet. Why, he didn't know. Was it in knowing that was where Justin was lost to him? Or... could it be something more? One thing was for certain - he wouldn't be returning until he found that out.

TBC


End file.
